sleepy jitters - a paradox worth fixing

No matter how old your sleeper is you have probably encountered a situation like this:

My (insert age) was outside all day, playing, rolling, running, climbing, and more.  He had a great dinner, a calm bath, and now instead of acting sleepy is super animated and showing no signs of being tired.  

For young children, missing the sleep window is a big deal.  In fact, the probability of bedtime quickly fades and is replaced with a mini-version of the London Olympics in your living room.  For older children, missing the sleepy window is very much connected to missing the chance to truly wind down from the day.  You might not get physical hysterics.  Instead, you might find yourself dealing with bedtime anxiety.    

I have named these scenarios the sleepy jitters, and I find this combination both paradoxical and very frustrating.  Your 4 month old should have been asleep hours ago or your 7 year old has to get some sleep because he has to wake up by 7 to catch the bus and pay attention in school all day and more.  In both cases, you know what they need and in both cases you need to be proactive rather than reactive to avoid this mixed bag of anxious/energy filled jitters at bedtime. 

Here are a few tips for young sleepers ...

• Pick a bedtime based on the nap schedule of your sleeper.  You should pick an age appropriate 'awake' window between the last nap and bedtime.  For example, a 10 month old, can probably go about 4 hours between the end of his last nap and bedtime (if he had two good naps that day).  A 6 month old baby will have a 2 to 3 hour widow, and a 22 month old might have a stretch closer to 5 hours.  These are just guidelines and examples from families I have worked with recently.  Observe your sleeper and design your own 'awake' window, you can always adjust.
• Do not start your routine when your sleeper is tired because by the time you are finished she will be over tired.
• Allow plenty of physical contact in the pre-bedtime hour or so.  It settles a young body for sleep and reaffirms a secure attachment.
• If you were gone all day and want to spend time with your child before bed, do so keeping in mind the quality vs. quantity approach.  Attachment theorists have said that even 20 solid minutes a day between parent and baby solidifies the attachment.

Here are a few tips for older sleepers (who worry, get anxious, and struggle to fall asleep):

• No screens at least an hour before bed, ideally more.
• A good long bath even for an older child is very calming, restorative and a great addition to a bedtime routine.
• Tight hugs, pressure orientated touch.
• No rich, caffeine filled, or sugary desserts after dinner.  Instead offer a treat after school and something a little more sedate after dinner.
• End your routine with a happy story about your little sleeper.
• Introduce a family photo book featuring joyful memories (not pictures of everyone at Grandma's funeral).
• Address what is making them nervous, let them talk about it and process it out loud.  Validate your sleeper's feelings and then put a sleep friendly plan of action into place.
• Introduce a worry doll or pillow to tuck anxiety away for the night.  I just found out about hushlings and think they are a great idea!

So as summer wraps up and back to school begins, hope these tips help de-stress bedtime and make going to sleep a little more sleepy -

the blessings of the nap gods

The other night it was 80+ degrees in the house ... at 8pm.  We are in Rhode Island where we are supposed to have cool crisp New England nights for good sleeping weather; let's just say these cool nights are fewer and further in between.  However, this is a post about naps not global warming.  I knew that it would be another hour or so before the kids' room would be cool enough to consider sleep.  I glanced over at Loewy, my newly minted 3-year old, and quickly thanked the nap gods for returning her nap to us this summer.  She had a few weeks in May and early June when it just wasn't happening.  She made it to 9pm without any major meltdowns, and we all got some sleep that hot night.

I am usually pretty private when it comes to religion and spirituality, but I must admit I have prayed to the sleep gods on more than one occasion.  I do think 90% of sleep for children is behavioral, 5% medical (reflux, sleep apnea), and 5% luck.  In my work, I rarely meet great sleepers.  I meet a lot of children who eventually become great sleepers, but that is from hard work, persistence, and consistency - not magic.  I do feel though that there are some children who just naturally are really good at sleeping.  Usually these babies have large PR firms behind them because it seems like everyone has a sister, a friend, a neighbor, somebody, with an aaaaahhhhmazzzzing sleeper.  You hear about them everywhere.  

As for naps, if you are already praying hard or really crossing your fingers, here are three tips that will help too:

1. Time it right, and try to get these times to repeat on a daily basis.  It helps to have the first morning naps begin no earlier than 8 am (for the 4 month old plus set).  It also helps to shoot for an afternoon nap between 1 and 2 pm (a time of quiet brain activity).  Keep the windows between naps in control - ideally about 90 to 120 minutes - for the 4 to 6+ month olds out there.

2. If your baby needs you to rock, bounce, nurse, jiggle, etc. her to sleep, then she will need that same treatment when she wakes up a short time later.  This would be ok, but a good nap is usually 2 sleep cycles (90 minutes total).  This means a lot of work not always with certain success.  When your baby can run her own nap, she will nap longer and in more predicable time frames.

3. Be prepared for the nap hurdles.  These are the same annoying hiccups that disrupt nighttime sleep - milestones, teeth, illness, travel.  You might need to help your baby a little bit more.  It also really helps to have a back up or 'emergency' nap plan in place.  I had to implement my back up nap plan quite a bit with my middle daughter.  As a result, I know every drive through coffee place and atm in the tri-state area.

Hope these tips help and that luck is on your side.

expecting the unexpected

I am trying to remember the first time I learned that my life is no longer about me.  It probably should have been when I entered into a serious relationship with my now husband.  I should have learned then about partnership and sharing.  I kind of did, but not really.  Honestly, I like order, I like predictability, and I especially like certainty.  Parenting however overthrows all three of my favorite 'likes' and replaces them with the great wide land of the unexpected.  

I didn't expect that pregnant for only a few weeks with my first child, I would be diving into a frigid coastal Maine river to rescue our old dog who got spooked off of the path by a squirrel.  I didn't expect that my first born would spend a week in the NICU at St. Lukes for a rash; I didn't expect that my 2-year old would go truly mental when my daughter was born (we are still recovering from that one); and I didn't expect that I would be a children's sleep coach when sleep was for so many years to bane of my existence.  Perhaps that's why I am passionate (ummm, more like obsessed) with children and their families sleeping as well as they possibly can.  

Yes, it is true, my life is no longer about me - I can prove this argument with the sheer amount of unexpected factors in my life that force me to turn my attention to my family as a whole and not to my own needs and desires.  I realize that when I am changing a diaper and I have needed to pee for 6 hours and still haven't had a moment to go.  I realize that when I pull amazing recipes from the NY Times or Bon Appetit but end up eating way more nuggets and cucumbers than I ever expected.  Do you realize that you will probably eat more pizza in your first 5 years of being a parent that you did over all of the years of possible pizza eating before children?

The point of all of this is that to feel better about this new and seemingly permanent condition, I have decided to embrace expecting the unexpected.  In doing so, I can find order and rationality in the very relentless yet rewarding irrational world of parenting.

Here are a few tips with regards to sleep so you can plan for and anticipate the unexpected because it will happen:

1. Your child will climb out of the crib or fall of the bed long before you are prepared for this event - drop the mattress all the way down, put the mattress on the floor, teach them that 'we do not climb in cribs', or put them in a sleep suit or pajamas that restricts their climbing.

2. You so dodged that stomach virus bullet ... oh wait you didn't ... have a change or sheets ready, or any in case of emergency crib vomit plan.  A friend of mine always has two layers on her son's crib - mattress pad, sheet + mattress pad, sheet.

3.  Your perfect two nap a day sleeper stops napping or stages a pretty intense protest - look at windows of time and see if the naps need to shift later, be cut shorter, or call for a longer wind down period.  When my youngest turned 2, she fought her nap hard for 3 weeks straight.  I kept at it, and she is upstairs napping happily while I write this.  Win for Mommy.

4. She was fine during the day, but now she has coxsackie or an ear infection or some other awful, truly, truly awful sleep destroyer - know how much motrin or tylenol she needs, have a thermometer that works, and have the medicine in stock in your house.

5. Embrace a few bad nights - they happen.  It doesn't mean that you failed or are failing.  If you worry that you are creating a sleep monster, take a step back, get some goals together and formulate a plan that you can stick with.  

Finally I would like to dedicate this piece to my beautiful sister in law Robin who in the final weeks of her pregnancy is dealing with the unexpected with grace and unparalleled strength.  I can't wait to meet her sweet, sweet baby. 

Getting ready for bed

I love to hear about a good bedtime routine.  Some of my clients reveal the spa-like services they offer their sleeper, other reveal the threats and/or bribes they issue right before bed.  Some are anxious about how bedtime will unravel, dreading the tears and the multiple trips back and forth from crib to kitchen and back again.  Others have given up; curling up on the floor of their sleepers room with an ipad for company.

In the end, we all share the common task as parents, we need to get our baby, our toddler, our 1st grader ready for bed, pretty much every night.  We read, brush teeth, bathe, bottle, massage, sing, nurse, pacify, and more.  It is a lot of work, and I get pretty sick of it some nights.  Actually, I keep pausing to write this, because we are away for the weekend and the novelty of the new room is a little too stimulating for two sisters, and I keep hearing cries for me.  

I have finally become resigned to my fate - or maybe I gave up long ago, but I have decided to shift some of the bedtime routine to my respective sleepers.  I don't mean that they will have to file up the stairs singing so long fare well like the well behaved Von Trapp children.  Rather I need to think, and you can too: how can they do a little self-soothing to prepare for sleep with parental guidance rather than direct involvement.  

Here are some of my ideas based on recent experiences with clients:

1. Do you have a baby or toddler who loves the bath? Let them swim!  Sign them up for swim class during the day, take them for a dip at a neighborhood pool, or find a kid friendly fountain (Natural History museum anyone?).  This doesn't have to happen before bedtime, just some point in the day.  If you can't swing a day swim trip, do a big play bath.  Also don't start the bath when your baby is melting down.  Try to time it a full hour before bedtime.

2.  Heavy lifting - babies and toddlers are furiously working on understanding their bodies and how they work.  Let them push furniture, carts, piles of toys, and so on.  They like to feel weight and the success of using their bodies to alter their landscape.  

3. Let a baby/toddler/even older child carry a task out to fruition.  Think how good you feel when you get something accomplished - like bedtime:)  If your toddler is working through a puzzle or a block tower, let him complete his task.  If your baby desparetely wants to roll, practice, practice, practice, helping her to realize her goal.

4. Figure out and respect independent self-soothing skills, from head pushing, pressure seeking activities, to the need to roll around and thrash around in the crib.  Let these sleepers scratch their itch so to speak.

5. Create a womb-like environment as you prepare for bedtime, give your child pressure on both sides of his body, sandwich him in between you and the arm of a chair, or between you and a pillow.  Give his body pressure as you carry out your routine tasks.  Diapering, teeth, bottle and so on, can be supplemented with strong consistent pressure, pats, squeezes to help your baby unwind.  

6.  Last but not least, work with your child's sleepy cues.  If he is tired, but his bedtime is 30 minutes away.  Go with the tired not the clock; it usually is a win win answer every time.

Keep your eyes on your sleepers, they often have good instincts ... they just need a little independence.  

practice what I preach

If you let your child cry for 40 minutes and then pick them up, you have taught said child to cry for at least 40 minutes at anytime ... sleep fact, like set in stone, 10 Commandment-esque sleep fact.

It sounds so good when I say it.  It makes so much sense.  I bring up the pigeon intermittent reinforcement scenario too - another great visual, pigeons freaking out when sometimes they get food, sometimes they don't.  You then picture your child/baby like a pigeon waiting for food - they got it yesterday, but not tonight?

It all comes down to consistency.  I know that I can get behind consistency.  I use it in my work; I use it in my personal life.  My middle child knows that not eating dinner means no dessert ... ever.  I am really good about being consistent in this regard.  

Meet Loewy.  She is, as we like to call her, the good one.  She asks to go to sleep, she cleans up, she eats her meals, her snacks, finds fun in errands with mommy, tolerates babysitters, brother's baseball games, sister's playdates.  Everything was going swimmingly, until Loewy met the ipad.

I purchased the ipad for work.  Yes, that's right federal and state government.  I use it for work.  First I have to wipe the smudges up and clean the screen before I can share with clients the 5 factors that keep babies from sleeping well.   It all goes back to when Loewy met Elmo, and then she met the ipad, and then I read a great NYTimes article about great apps for kids.  

So now, Loewy meets Elmo, she meets the ipad, she meets Elmo on the ipad ... and here is where we have our problem.

My sweet Loewy used to wake up, calling softly, "Mommy, I miss you."  How sweet is that?  Now, however, she wakes up and calls, "Mommy, ipad."  Not as sweet.  

Here is where the problem of consistency or rather inconsistency gets started: Sunday morning = ok to use the ipad, Monday morning = not ok to use the ipad, Wednesday? Mommy's very sleepy, = ok to use the ipad.  How does Loewy react?  Like that pigeon!  I have trained her to freak out - a crazy, pigeon-esque freak out, because she knows that somehow, some way, she will eventually get it.

Ok, I know, this is so my fault, and truly inexusable.  I am like a dermatologist who frequents a tanning bed.  It is high time I practice what I preach.  

We started this weekend (so unfair, I was really tired).  Morning 1 - lots of cyring, whining, finally ok with books, moring 2 - lots of crying and whining, chucked books at cat, hit Daddy (nicely played), morning 3?  Not as bad, we read Marvin K. Mooney and Dinosaur Train, and then it was time to get up anyway.  I am gearing up for morning 4; the books are ready.  The ipad will be charging ... far away.